Sunday, November 04, 2007

To the Pumpkin Smashers

To the hoodlums who visited my house last night:

If something is worth doing, it's worth doing right

I'm slightly indignant that you did such a poor job of smashing my pumpkin. From the crime scene, it would appear that you were barely strong enough to carry the pumpkin off my door step and may have even accidentally dropped it. When it came time to destroy it, you were unable to raise the pumpkin sufficently high to cause a proper smashing. Next time, bear in mind the following:
  1. Patience is a virtue: you must wait for pumpkins to rot; once you've waited long enough the job of smashing will become trivial

  2. Real glory requires taking real risks: don't brag to your friends about smashing the pumpkins at the one house on the block with the light off and owners out for the evening. Try smashing all the pumpkins on the street where the police officer lives.

Something to look forward to
The pumpkins will be heavily booby trapped after 9PM on Halloween next year. Please stop by for a visit.



PS -- To all those parents wondering how to explain pumpkin smashing to small, terrified children, consider making up a mythical creature that only smashes the most fantastic pumpkins in the neighborhood. Next year they'll await the pumpkin smashsers with glee generally reserved for Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny.


Michael said...

I sense a certain irony in the events herein described. Fate has a way of reversing roles whereby the tormenter becomes the tormented.

Katie said...

dudes - when are you going to announce the winner of the name game? And ems - when are you due anyway? I wish you guys still lived here. I hate everyone but you.

Campbell said...

It's good to see your still your witty and hilarious self after so many years! Good to see your site Bryan. Take care.